When I hate him I really hate him.
I have been fine since February. Fine.Fine.Fine. Now whenever I see him I want to scream and cry and yell and just curl up in a ball and hide forever. Why? I have no friggin clue. none. Some sort of emotional switch turned and it has made everything a gagillion times harder. I have no regrets, no desire to be with him. I am just on edge and angry whenever he is around. my day turns from fine to wretched.
hence. I quit my job at the dojo as of September 5th. Our last place of contact. I will train, of course, but I won't have to be little miss nice employee whenever he is around.
Wednesday, July 11, 2007
Monday, June 4, 2007
Sick part II
After a week of coughing I went to "urgent care" in the hospital aka the doctor for people who don't have doctors.
I never miss him. I don't. I just miss what a relationship provides. Going to the movies, a call when they say they will call, dinner and dessert and laughing and caring. And today was no different. All those things are fairly superficial, and they are fun. But I am slowly discovering that what I care most about are the times that are not so fun.
I was sitting in the waiting room and I just broke down. Crying. I couldn't stand the fact that I was sitting in a hospital alone, with no one to ask me if I was okay, no one who cared. And I didn't want him to be there. No. Which made me cry even more. In the moment of desperation for someone the last person I wanted was him.
I have bronchitis with the beginning stages of pneumonia and no one is here to hold my hand. Every other thing I have gone through as a single person makes me feel empowered, independent, strong. But today all I really want is someone who wants to be beside me to hold my hand.
I never miss him. I don't. I just miss what a relationship provides. Going to the movies, a call when they say they will call, dinner and dessert and laughing and caring. And today was no different. All those things are fairly superficial, and they are fun. But I am slowly discovering that what I care most about are the times that are not so fun.
I was sitting in the waiting room and I just broke down. Crying. I couldn't stand the fact that I was sitting in a hospital alone, with no one to ask me if I was okay, no one who cared. And I didn't want him to be there. No. Which made me cry even more. In the moment of desperation for someone the last person I wanted was him.
I have bronchitis with the beginning stages of pneumonia and no one is here to hold my hand. Every other thing I have gone through as a single person makes me feel empowered, independent, strong. But today all I really want is someone who wants to be beside me to hold my hand.
Monday, May 28, 2007
Sick
I realized today that the one thing I miss about being in a serious relationship is having someone to hang out with while I am sick. Someone who would go buy me soup and rent us movies and relax all day with me even though it is memorial day and it is fucking gorgeous out.
Saturday, May 26, 2007
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